Marriage is God’s greatest place to initiate growth and transformation in us. It is also a target of attack, to divide and erode the potential that exists in the covenant. A rejection mindset can be one of the biggest areas that keep a marriage from moving forward powerfully.
The majority of marriage problems can lead back to unhealed rejection issues. A rejection mindset does major damage when two people do not welcome the invitation to grow and overcome together.
Most marriage issues arise when two hurt people seek to protect their pain, rather than pursue healing in helpful ways. They become more enemies against each other rather than their greatest allies.
Marriage can be a domain where a lot of rejection is experienced, but most people carry a rejection mindset into marriage already. Therefore, the deep wounds that have been there for some time rise to the surface in covenant. God designed the marriage to be the place where we learn to mature individually and together. But unfortunately, a rejection mindset gets the upper hand because of these reasons and more:
1. You bring your unhealed past into the marriage.
Everyone enters marriage with broken areas that need healing and growth. Whether or not we receive the invitation to grow is our decision.
Too often, we are not prepared for this, because we are often taught that marriage should be easy, without much pain, work or difficulties.
If there is a lot of work to be done, then most people assume it’s because they married the wrong person. It can be an easy way to avoid dealing with our own personal brokenness. Most often, the invitation marital issues present, is to address the unhealed areas that we have not dealt with.
2. Your issues and your spouse’s issues want to play dodgeball.
Let’s get real, the enemy would love to get you both into a war against each other. The plan is simple: allow something your spouse does to hit an unhealed place in your heart. Then, get you to react out of that raw nerve that has just been pierced with some heavy words and actions that send the dodge ball hurling back. Then get you both completely lost in strife and unaware you come under a spiritual assault.
Most of all, your wounds can get so easily hooked into each other, that it prevents you from seeing your own personal healing that is needed. You become lost in the squabble, you never get to the root of the issue.
3. You enter marriage thinking your spouse can meet your unhealed needs.
The number one mistake married couples make is they believe their spouse will make them happy. Modern culture evaluates everything in relationship on whether or not the other person makes them happy.
The problem is, no one can make you happy. That’s an inside job that only you can choose to cultivate.
But we often carry our unhealed areas into marriage, with a weight of expectation that other person can never truly fulfill. In fact, only God can fill those areas, but a rejection mindset puts the focus all on whether or not your spouse is being exactly what you need. A setup for disaster.
4. Rejection looks to put 100% of the problem on the other spouse.
When your unmet needs and expectations are not met, then a rejection mindset looks to put the weight of the problems on the other spouse. What is an opportunity for growth becomes a place of blame.
5. A rejection mindset never allows the communication to get clear and fruitful.
Every marriage rises and falls on the ability to communicate honestly, effectively and safely. But when rejection is in play, the filter to communication gets distorted. We don’t hear what is being said and we also do not talk in ways that open up for safety. Therefore, the cap on the marriage cannot be broken through, because communication does not go to the next level.
6. Patterns are engaged that become ingrained.
Once dysfunctional interactions are formed, they can become patterns in the marriage. Many times these patterns become the routines that run like clockwork, keeping the couple from growing higher. They keep the status quo and slowly move into a roommate situation.
When we stop working and putting the investment into our marriage, we fall back into the patterns that are comfortable–even if they are not healthy. A rejection mindset keeps us in unhealthy patterns.
If you keep reciting the same complaints about your spouse over and over again, odds are, there is a pattern in play, designed to make you feel stuck.
7. Words are said that create a lot of damage.
Marriage is the most intimate and vulnerable place of relationship, so when those vulnerable areas are not addressed in healthy ways, toxic and harmful words are unleashed. Many of these words cut so deep and leave long-term wounds. Most of all, the poor communication keeps you from growing together, the way God designed.
Healing the Rejection Mindset
If you want your marriage to kick out the rejection mindset, you must first recognize your own personal need to experience healing, freedom and transformation. It’s easy to think that your spouse is the problem, while neglecting your own issues. When we allow God to do a healing work in our lives, we take the focus off of our spouse changing and we say, “God, change me.”
Marriage is also the place of great stretching. It’s God’s greatest setup to grow His children. If you want a marriage that breaks free, you will need to allow yourself to be stretched beyond your comfort zones and ruts that keep you stuck. An upgraded marriage takes two heart who want to heal and receive the upgrade that is available.
- Exposing the Rejection Mindset Book
- Exposing the Rejection Mindset Online Course
- Marriage for Overcomers – Module 01
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