Healing from toxic relationships often involves we working through the toxic soul ties that have form in our journey. In today’s podcast, I want to talk about the importance of your relationship ties and your history of attachments, connections and bonds. You were made for relationship and designed to be knit together with other relationships in powerful ways. Yet at the same time, your enemy seeks to orchestrate relationship ties with people that reinforce bondage in your life.
Many discover in their healing and freedom journey that there are significant ties, often referred to as soul ties, that need to be broken.
While this is true, I want to first bring out the power of what healthy ties can bring about in your life. The subject of soul ties can be a powerful invitation for you and I to develop healthy bonds with the right people. You don’t have to remain stuck in the toxic attachments, bonds and ties that seek to hold you in bondage. There is freedom available and healthy bonds we can develop.
Video Broadcast:
Show Notes and Outline
The subject of soul ties, relationship ties, bonds or attachments is an important one to address in the healing and freedom journey. In addition, I think this issue impacts our lives way further than we often realize. In healing from toxic relationships, we often have to address the unhealthy ties we developed along the way.
Toxic Soul Ties
Toxic is a good word to describe these unhealthy relationship ties, because it includes the meaning of the biblical words bitter and defilement, which are found in Hebrews 12.
looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled. Hebrews 12:15 (NKJV)
Toxic people do exactly that: they allow bitter roots to spring up and the spread the infectious trouble that springs out of it. In the Scriptures, bitterness literally means poison, something that should not be inhaled or ingested, because if you do, it will have a negative effect.
Bitterness also means acridity, which means it leaves a strong and unpleasant odor. Bitter roots produce bitter fruit, but they are also contagious, spreading like a virus to other people. We become “defiled” by bitterness when our hearts become contaminated with another person’s bitter perspectives.
This toxic or bitter effect is often compounded because of the unhealthy soul ties that get formed with toxic people.
What is a Soul Tie?
Over the years, the term “soul tie” has become the popular term that people use to address the bonds, attachments and ways we become relationally knit to another person. It is usually brought out in a negative and destructive connotation. But a soul tie or relationship tie is actually designed by God to be a good thing.
For simple understanding, a soul tie is a bond or attachment that exists in a relationship. The truth is that a soul tie can be a healthy tie or an unhealthy tie.
Relationship Audit
Take a moment and look back at your history of close-knit relationships. Allow your heart to do an honest assessment of where you’ve had strong relationship ties that were helpful, healthy and fruitful. But consider as well those relationship ties that were harmful, toxic and left you to cope with the collateral damage.
Many of the toxic relationship experiences we’ve had are not relationships we just turn on and then easily turned off. They often involve deep investments, where it can become challenging to unwind from the negative experiences.
Those who invest their hearts in spiritual and emotional healing often come to the point of realizing they need to “detox” certain unhealthy relationships. Many begin to realize that healing from toxic relationships is not so easy. There becomes these invisible ties that pull on them. They can also observe that unhealthy soul ties can have a continuing impact on their life, even after the relationship is technically over.
Some find themselves limited in their current circumstances because a toxic tie has an unhealthy hold on them.
Many people cannot make solid decisions because they are tied to that person with unhealthy bonds that pull on them. They become confused as to what true love is. They make decisions based on guilt. Addictions come into play. Meanwhile, they feel they are being held back from the fruitful relationships that can be experienced.
You Were Made for Relationships
We as human beings are designed to be relational. The relationships we form are meant to create healthy bonds and ties that fulfill our hearts, connect us to love experiences and unite us under similar passions.
There are healthy bonds that we are designed to form in life. With it come many blessings and helpful references for living a healthy life.
On the contrary, there are toxic ties that can form out of dysfunctional and unhealthy relationships that keep us in the orbit of bondage, even when it seems we are no longer around that person anymore.
Ungodly soul ties can keep us cycling in certain patterns, while holding us from moving forward in life. Ungodly soul ties can make us codependent, keeping us from knowing what is healthy and even breaking away from relationships that are toxic.
Why is this Subject Important?
Many times, we can work so hard to experience healing and freedom in our lives, but we can hit a roadblock. Our ability to move forward in health is prevented by ties that seem to keep their tentacles wrapped around our lives.
Part of freedom from toxic relationships involves recognizing ungodly soul ties you may have, where certain areas of bondage are actually tied to a past relationship that was unhealthy. The relationship may be over or sort of over, but the linger effects are still in play.
God designed us to be relational. We are not meant to do life alone. Throughout the journey, He has designed that our divine purpose become empowered by relationships we become tied to. You were meant to become better as a result of those you do life with, those that influence you and those that you become bonded to.
We have a destiny that through our healthy bonds, we can manifest the compounding power of Christ’s nature in our midst. In fact, we are all called to be bound together under the Lordship of Jesus Christ and the work of Father God.
God Reveals His Ways in our Relationships
Understanding soul ties is important because God reveals His ways through our relationships. We learn the most through our relationship experiences. God matures us through how we learn to do relationships. He has designed you and I to ultimately walk in relational health, which was designed to reflect who He is.
Over the years, the more I have worked in helping people, the more I see how toxic many of our relationship experiences are.
- I have found that the majority of people I come across have had significant traumas regarding past relationship experiences.
- A large percentage have deep relationship pain. Some recognize it. Others haven’t made the connection yet.
- Many are relating to others through toxic soul ties that are bonded by addictions. We have become glued to each other by an addiction bondage.
Not only are people struggling with certain bondages and strongholds, they also have deep relational soul ties with people, past and/or present that are keeping them tied to specific areas of bondage.
Examples of Toxic Soul Ties:
In my work, I often have someone come to me who is struggling with a very toxic relationship. But it didn’t start off that way. A man has met Miss Wonderful. But once the relationship became more tied, the deep toxicity that was not seen before starts to rise up. A man who was once level headed for the most part is now losing his bearings because of his tie to this relationship. He can’t think straight. And even when he breaks up with the woman, he is still reeling from the lingering ties that keep him spiritually and emotionally connected to her.
A woman thinks she has met Prince Charming, but after getting close to him and seeing behind his veneer, she realizes he’s a deeply narcissistic man. Yet by the time she realizes it, the clutches of his control, deception and toxicity have wound her up in a spider web of insecurity, fear and low self-worth. She doesn’t know what to do because fear keeps her trapped at every turn.
Someone is trying to move forward in their work, but they keep hitting roadblocks. Although we all have struggles we have to face when it comes to finding fulfilling and consistent work, this struggle points back to unfinished business regarding a previous boss and an unhealthy workplaces environment at the last job. Some unhealthy ties were developed and some unhealed pain is still lingering. You may even feel that you are being held back by that past workplace.
A woman marries a drug addict. She was not an addict coming into the relationship, but over time, as her husband’s addictions come to the surface, she becomes wrapped into the drama of his lying, denial, self-loathing and needy behavior. She now finds herself losing her sense of well being. Her emotional balance is off kilter and she finds her sense of worth and peace is being pulled down.
A couple becomes happily married, yet as they enter into covenant, they realize they are struggling with sexual intimacy. The past sexual encounters they had are creating some interference. Many times, they can’t seem to connect the dots, but they struggle in truly connecting together in a fulfilling way.
Past abuse ties create a stranglehold of bondage that keeps a person from being able to experience present relationship freedom and safety.
A family leaves a spiritually abusive church and quickly moves into another church, yet they cannot settle at all. In addition, they hear all the sermons and teachings with an unhealthy lens.
A parent does not develop healthy bonds with their child, which is critical for development. There is not a proper equipping, so therefore, leaving father and mother and transitioning into adulthood is not experienced in a powerful way. The transition into moving on from that parental tie is done well.
The Power of Strong Relationship Ties
There is tremendous power when we come together under the power of relationship. Here are some biblical examples of this, which I share about in the video.
Adam and Eve:
Then the rib which the LORD God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man. 23 And Adam said: “This is now bone of my bones And flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man.” 24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. Genesis 2:22-24 (NKJV)
Two Are Better Than One:
Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. 10 For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up. 11 Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm; but how can one be warm alone? 12 Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 (NKJV)
Tower of Babel:
But the LORD came down to see the city and the tower the people were building. 6 The LORD said, “If as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this, then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them. Genesis 11:5-6 (NIV)
Prayer of Jesus:
“I do not pray for these alone, but also for those who will believe in Me through their word; 21 that they all may be one, as You, Father, are in Me, and I in You; that they also may be one in Us, that the world may believe that You sent Me.” John 17:20-21 (NKJV)
Paul’s Admonition:
fulfill my joy by being like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. Philippians 2:2 (NKJV)
The Body of Christ:
Now the multitude of those who believed were of one heart and one soul; neither did anyone say that any of the things he possessed was his own, but they had all things in common. Acts 4:32 (NKJV)
There are many ways we can describe these ties, but the truth is, there is something incredibly powerful about relationship bonds, unity and the power that takes place when people are tied together.
Do you notice that one of the greatest battles that faces the church today is living as “one,” walking in unity and being of the same mind and purpose.
The Scriptures do not specifically use the exact term “soul tie,” but the principles of people being, “one soul,” or “souls being ‘knit together” and “two becoming one flesh” and relationship “oneness” is taught everywhere in the Word. These relational ties are intended to bind people together for good purposes, so that we become joint and knit together in the purposes of God.
The Bibles mentions believers being “knit together in love” Colossians 2:2
that their hearts may be encouraged, being knit together in love, and attaining to all riches of the full assurance of understanding, to the knowledge of the mystery of God, both of the Father and of Christ, 3 in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge. Colossians 2:2-3 (NKJV)
Colossians also mentions the importance of “holding fast to the Head,” that is Jesus Christ, while we are all as the body are being nourished and knit together by joints and ligaments, growing with the increase that is from God.”
Let no one cheat you of your reward, taking delight in false humility and worship of angels, intruding into those things which he has not seen, vainly puffed up by his fleshly mind, 19 and not holding fast to the Head, from whom all the body, nourished and knit together by joints and ligaments, grows with the increase that is from God. Colossians 2:18-19 (NKJV)
Paul also implores us to Keep the spirit of unity, that we already have:
I, therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you to walk worthy of the calling with which you were called, with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love, endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. Ephesians 4:1-3 (NKJV)
Peace is meant to be a “bond” that holds us together.
Deep Friendship Ties
We were meant to develop healthy ties with people who are friends in our lives. Some are more loosely tied. Others become deep ties that could end up becoming deep friendships for life.
In the Scriptures, King David and Jonathan had a powerful tie together. It is described as two souls being “knit” together.
And it came to pass, when he had made an end of speaking unto Saul, that the soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul. 1 Samuel 18:1
A powerful covenant level friendship can bring about a tie that stands the storms of life and remains intact no matter what. Jonathan loved David as his own soul. People caught in toxic soul ties and codependency often “love” someone more than themselves. But at the same time, their definition of love is distorted. They have placed their brokenness into the relationship, hoping the relationship will heal their empty heart. But it doesn’t. They get lost in the relationship and lose who they are.
Friendship is a place where you can experience deep and healthy experiences, where your life is improved, your heart is encouraged and your character is sharpened.
Now, for many men, this example can be at times, hard to comprehend. Being this closely knit to another man can be a confusing or empty reference, especially because so many men do life alone. In fact, we need more relationships where men are connecting with other men in a loyal, safe and empowering way. One of the greatest ways that men get trapped in life is they move into deep isolation, without the benefit of a band of brothers.
The Two Becoming “One Flesh”
Marriage is one of God’s eternal mysteries, a man and woman coming together and becoming one flesh. We know that “one flesh” means more than just two bodies coming together. We also know that “one flesh” does not mean that the husband and wife coming together in marriage means that your bodies come together and transform into a new hybrid human that walks around.
The oneness is a spiritual, emotional and relational bond that impacts every aspect of your life, leading you to manifest unity, just as believers are meant to live a life that manifests our unity with Christ.
Marriage ties a man and woman together in the highest level of relationship bond . . . covenant marriage for life.
For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. Ephesians 5:31 (NKJV)
The Godly tie between a husband and wife that God intended them to have is intended to be unbreakable by man.
For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’; so then they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate. Mark 10:7-9 (NKJV)
The marriage journey involves working through what keeps us from becoming one flesh. It is a lifetime of growth to understand and experience the power of oneness, while breaking free of those areas that seek to interfere. Some of that healing and freedom involves breaking free from past ties that keep us from being fully tied to each other.
There can also be aspects of your history, where you did not have healthy ties with your father and mother, or you did not experience a healthy “leaving father and mother.” This is all a part of breaking unhealthy ties while also learning to establish healthy ties.
Parental Bond: Mothers
Those of you that are parents understand the tie that connects a parent to a child. The bond is meant to be the first bond a person has, which sets the template for how they develop ties in their future.
For example:
But You are He who took Me out of the womb; You made Me trust while on My mother’s breasts. Psalms 22:9 (NKJV)
We see here that our first bond or first tie is developed with your mother, who gave birth to you.
When it comes to addressing your relationship bonds and ties, let us first ask, “What was and is your relationship with your mother like? What kind of mother was she? Did she nurture you? Equip you in how to deal with your feelings? Help you form healthy bonds? Were you released in a healthy way you when you became an adult?”
There is also insight available for those who have major trust issues. The Scriptures speak here about how we actually learn to trust through our mother relationship. If you have trust issues, it is often a clear sign that God needs to heal the mother wounds and lack of nurture that exist in your heart.
Parental Bond: Fathers
I have continually taught the importance of fathers, the father role, how our fathers impact our lives as an important aspect of heart healing and spiritual/emotional heart health. God Himself reveals who He is as a Father, so who father is to you is a very important area of healing.
Without a proper bond with your earthly father, it can open the door to all kind of attachment issues. In addition, it can open the door for anger and deep discouragement.
And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4 (NKJV)
When a father does not live out of his God-given role, it “provokes” things in our children that are unhealthy and not of God.
Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. Colossians 3:21 (NKJV)
There is a spiritual war over fathers developing healthy bonds with their children early on. Therefore, deep issues of the heart get “provoked” in them as a result of his absence or passivity.
One of the great struggles that dads have is they can’t seem to develop a strong bond with their children. This is often because a father does not know how to develop that bond early on. Many dads say, “I am not into the toddler stage. I will wait til he or she is older so we can play sports or do things together.” Unfortunately by that time, the child has found themselves tied and bound to other friends and groups to find that sense of belonging.
Toxic Parent-Child Ties
Ungodly soul ties formed between a parent and child can make the child a friend to the parent, often to meet the unmet needs of the parent. Meanwhile, the child is not equipped in love to develop healthy attachments and to leave the home the home in a fruitful way.
Many adult children have dysfunctional ties to their parents. They have never made the transition to become a grown adult, even though they are in adult age.
Toxic Business Ties
Business relationships are filled with contracts. I am not trying to make people afraid of making business decisions in relationships, but I do believe it is important to have wisdom when knowing who you partner with in business alliances and partnerships.
I’ve watched many people make business decisions that become toxic. It happens, so don’t beat yourself up. They step away, but they don’t work through the deep ties they had with the former business person. They hold onto resentment and struggle with replays of the old relationship. Many toxic business relationships can also be traumatic.
Some people never leave a toxic workplace because they are tied in an ungodly way. They end up tolerating abuse. Meanwhile they find they are slowly eroding away emotionally. Their spirit is being crushed and their potential for flourishing is being quenched.
I find that all of us at one time or another have a bad business or workplace experience in life. Maybe your boss was rude, controlling, manipulative or downright immoral. You may have been in a situation where you were wrongfully accused. At some point, you had to move on from that business, but you never processed the healing that was needed from that toxic environment and relationship connections.
Many people have trouble moving forward in a new job because they have unfinished spiritual and emotional business they need to process through from the last workplace.
Toxic Church Ties
The same can be said about a toxic church. The body of Christ is meant to manifest the greatest relationship tie in the world. Our bond under Christ is a significant one.
In addition, your ties to a local church body can at times be even stronger than a biological family. We share things with our pastor and church leaders that we wouldn’t share with our own family members. We develop deep emotional ties out of places of vulnerability and desire to be loved and belong.
So when the church manifests abuse, toxicity and overall dangers, leaving that church can be very challenging. The impact down the road can remain for quite some time and needs patient healing and breaking off of toxic bonds.
Abuse
Unfortunately, a large percentage of people have experienced abuse of some kind, physical, emotional or sexual abuse. These extremely painful experiences leave a ton of damage on a person’s heart.
The hard part to talk about is the reality that there can become these ties that develop between the one who is abused and the abuser. I have observed that people who have been sexually abused often find they need to do some relationship tie breaking as a part of their healing, in addition to trauma healing and overall heart work.
I have also observed that many people become so tied to an abusive person, they’ve lost the courage to even get out of the relationship.
Addictive Relationships
Relationships that are toxic can actually become highly addictive. I have been overwhelmed with the amount of believers who are looking for help and healing in their journey, but they are locked into addictive, obsessive relationship ties.
From an outside perspective, everyone is telling that person they need to get away from that relationship, but the person is addicted to the bond like an opioid drug.
Oftentimes people will come to me for help for a symptom they are experiencing, anxiety, depression or some kind of emotional battle. Yet when you pull back the curtain, they are neck deep in an addictive relationship.
Their addiction to the person creates a tie that keeps them from breaking away. It also clouds their vision. They almost can see straight. Confusion washes over their thinking and their decision making is diluted. They even see Scriptures out of context and can’t take in revelation because their relationship tie is clouding them.
Toxic Attraction
For example, relational ties between married couples draw them together like magnets, while relational ties between fornicators can draw an abused woman to a man which she would normally hate and run from. Yet because of her past ungodly ties, she runs to men who will abuse her, act unloving to her and treat her like garbage. This is not exclusive to women, as men can also find themselves attracted to the wrong kind of woman for his journey.
The key to understand is that our empty, broken and unhealed places can drive us to look for love in the wrong kind of people. I have found that when people do heart work and allow God to mature them, their relationship attraction actually changes. They become attracted to a different kind of person.
Unevenly Yoked
Bad ties can keep us drawn to unevenly yoked relationships.
O Corinthians! We have spoken openly to you, our heart is wide open. 12 You are not restricted by us, but you are restricted by your own affections. 13 Now in return for the same (I speak as to children), you also be open. 14 Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness? 15 And what accord has Christ with Belial? Or what part has a believer with an unbeliever? 2 Corinthians 6:11-15 (NKJV)
Now Paul is talking here about watching out for who you join together with in deep relationship. He is not saying don’t ever talk to an unbeliever.
What Paul is bringing out here is the power of a relationship bond. What that person carries will have an influence over your life when you are in a bonded connection. You can say it doesn’t all you want. But you are self-deceived if you think that to be so.
Bad Company
It is a known truth that who you hang out with will have an influence on who you become. The friends you make the associations you develop in life will determine what kind of lifestyle you will live in and it will influence decisions you make.
Do not be deceived: “Evil company corrupts good habits.” 1 Corinthians 15:33 (NKJV)
In my youth pastoring days, second to their parents, the friendships that young people made were incredibly important. I emphasized over and again the importance of cultivating healthy relationship connections.
Parents, watch over your children’s relationship circle. Don’t helicopter over them, but have continued conversations about what healthy connections are and what to look out for in healthy friendships.
What could often cripple a young person’s life is when they develop ties to toxic friendships. Furthermore, nothing can thrown a wrench into the journey like a situation where an intense and toxic dating relationship forms that turns sexual.
Sex and Soul Ties
Sex is one of the quickest ways you develop a relationship tie or a soul tie to someone.
Don’t let the world fool you, while they portray sex as something that is casual and of no consequence, there is an impact that sex has on a person that is unique from any other activity.
Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body. 1 Corinthians 6:18 (NKJV Strong’s,) 18
Saving sex for marriage at times can seem like a rare perspective. It almost feels like you are in the minority if you have that conviction.
Sex is a precious, intense and sacred experience, designed by God to bless the marriage bond.
Yet satan has been counterfeiting this divine design since the beginning.
What doesn’t get understood is that while people develop a trail of sexual experiences, ties are being formed with each person.
When a person has sex outside the bonds of marriage with another person, (fornication or adultery) an ungodly relational tie is then formed.
Or do you not know that he who is joined to a harlot is one body with her? For “the two,” He says, “shall become one flesh.” 1 Corinthians 6:16 (NKJV)
Paul’s emphasis in this verse was not just on fornication or adultery being a sin, even though that is true. His emphasis here is that when you have sex, you become ONE. You become tied to that person in a significant way.
Understanding the Power of Sexual Experiences
Sex is not just a physical act of pleasure with no other spiritual or emotional implications. The reality is, having sex with someone ties us to them in ways we are not always aware of.
Many times women will think that lowering her standards and allowing sex in a relationship will bring a greater commitment from the man, when that is not always the case. Many times the opposite is true. Men will often bring their unhealed brokenness to the woman, hoping that sex will heal his aching heart, when it doesn’t. You cannot heal your father wounds by taking them to the woman.
Overall, we can try to medicate our brokenness through sexual relationships, when in reality, our brokenness adds new layers of bondage as well as twisted ties that get developed.
Today, there has been a growing trend of those who think that marriage is just a piece of paper or a formality, so they believe that living together and having sexual relationships outside of marriage is benign. They do not realizing they are creating ties in a context that was not meant to be done and are therefore left with extra spiritual baggage.
The main point I want to bring home, not in condemnation, not in shame, but in empowerment: sexual experiences leave a tie. People who have many past relationships find it very difficult to ‘bond’ or be joined to anybody, because they are still somewhat emotionally tied to past partners. We need to take that into consideration as God heals our hearts.
Pornography and Soul Ties
The reason that pornography is such a wide spread addiction is that we a) subtly believe that no one will know and b) we subconsciously see it as inconsequential.
Yet when you understand sex, the fantasy that you engage with pornography imbeds an addictive tie to the experience, hardwiring your heart and mind. But in addition, you are also being tied to a pornographic actor.
In my experience, I found it to be helpful for people breaking free of pornography to consider breaking ties with the people they have fantasized over.
Vows, Commitments and Agreements
Vows are known to bind us in soul ties:
If a man makes a vow to the LORD, or swears an oath to bind himself by some agreement, he shall not break his word; he shall do according to all that proceeds out of his mouth. Numbers 30:2 (NKJV)
Connection Points for Bondage
Overall, toxic relationship ties can keep people bound to the spiritual bondage that came about through a particular relationship. These relational ties allow for an agreement and unity for the enemy to perpetuate bondage through our lives.
Ungodly relationship ties can serve as connection points for bondage. Ever notice that being deeply connected to a toxic relationship, you can find the bondage of one person becomes a common bondage between both people?
Your Relationships Influence You
Why?: Because relationships influence us. You cannot say someone you are close to is not influencing you. In addition, the enemy is always looking for agreement. He knows that toxic, yet closely tied relationships are the best way to galvanize that agreement.
It is a common observation that the bondage can often remain intact, even when the relationship is technically “over.” The ties we have keep us bound and can be a part of preventing us from moving forward.
Toxic relationships condition us and program our thinking into certain patterns.
If you don’t have a solid identity, you will immerse yourself into someone and lose who you are in the tie. This leads to patterns of codependency, which often comes into the equation when it comes to soul ties.
What Makes Us Vulnerable to Toxic Soul Ties?
- Not developing healthy ties, attachments and connections growing up. I believe that how we form ties and bonds in life has a lot to do with how well we developed a healthy relationship bond with our mother and father.
- Parents not equipping you on how to do relationships. God designed parents to equip their children and help them learn how to navigate relationship hurdles.
- Looking for love, belonging, acceptance and validation in all the wrong places. The bottom line is that we take the unhealed, empty places in our hearts to others for healing. Places that only God can fulfill.
- Trauma
- Getting caught in trying “fix” someone.
Signs of Toxic Soul Ties
- You are in a physically or emotionally abusive relationship, but you “feel” so attached or connected to the person that you don’t make the decision to move on.
- Even when the relationship is “over” you still carry a lot of bondage that surrounded that relationship.
- You have left a toxic relationship, but you feel hindered in moving forward.
- Codependency: excessive emotional reliance on another person, often leading to enabling another person’s behavior while losing mental and emotional health.
- Your relationship is primarily fueled out of guilt
- You have depression when you left the relationship and it doesn’t heal.
- Having constant dreams about the person.
- You have a hard time fully giving yourself to your current relationship.
How Do I Break a Toxic Soul Tie?
There is hope and healing for working through the toxic soul ties you find yourself held back by. Here are ten areas you need to consider when walking through the healing journey.
1. See your healing and freedom as a process.
This is not a light switch experience. We are talking about your relationship history.
So many people want to come to a prayer session to “fix” or “break off” something in one meeting. Can we start teaching people more about the journey?
2. Recognize, with sobriety where unhealthy ties exist.
Sobriety keeps us alert, where we are spiritually and emotionally awake and aware of where we are, how life impacts us and how we impact those around us.
It takes humility to be open to this issue and to recognize ungodly soul ties that have developed in your life. Don’t obsess over it or introspectively look for it. Allow the Holy Spirit to show you.
Breakthrough comes for those who just simply allow their hearts to recognize in sobriety where unhealthy ties exist in their current life or history.
3. Be ready to break the tie.
Do you want to be free?
Do you even want this?
I spent a lot of time working through this issue with people I helped. But I soon realized, I would engage the process with them without first really getting a strong sense of decision that they really wanted to break free.
You have to first start with working on yourself. We have to want to be well and learn what true love is. Healing from toxic soul ties involves learning about who you really are so you don’t get so easily lost in other people.
Problem is, many are addicted to the one they are soul tied to. So breaking up stirs up a lot of withdrawal symptoms.
This may be overstating the obvious, but it is important that the person truly wants to break these ties that keep them in bondage. It is difficult to move any further unless the person is truly ready to of their own will. Otherwise the rest of this process can be fruitless.
Courage is needed to break away from the person, then the healing process can really kick into gear. But leaving the relationship does not heal. AND BY THE WAY, TIME ALONE DOES NOT HEAL WOUNDS! Intentional time working through healing does heal wounds.
4. Clear out the shame.
Healing work is counter productive if shame is in the picture. It clouds over everything and keeps us from processing what needs healing.
When it comes to sexual ties, there is often a lot of shame and uncleanness connected to it. The enemy loves to keep us trapped in that.
How do we break free from shame? Two things to start:
- By receiving God’s unconditional loving acceptance of you, right where you are.
- By forgiving yourself.
5. Break agreement (repent and renounce) for any areas that compounded through that relationship bond.
What are the sinful patterns and behaviors that manifested?
Note: it is important to address what attracted you to that person in the first place.
It is also helpful to address the root areas where the enemy has had access through this relationship. For example, if they were involved in sexual activity with this person, deal with rejection, abandonment, self-hatred, etc that drive you to look for fulfillment through those bonds. Receive God’s forgiveness for it and allow God to show you those underlying root issues so you can truly heal from them and move on.
6. Forgive the person and release them of any wrongs done.
Forgiveness is one of the powerful ways we can unlock the toxic soul ties that we carry.
Forgiving them does not mean going back to them.
Forgiveness releases that person from owing you anything. It also begins to release you from that torment to follow you any further.
If we refuse to forgive, the toxic tie remains intact. For example, if you don’t forgive your parents, their sins have permission to repeat in you. You can even become like who you hate.
7. Renounce any covenants or vows made with the person.
A covenant is a binding agreement. It is often made through written or spoken vows, commitments or declarations. It can be as simple as, “I will never love someone like you, ever.”
You are snared by the words of your mouth; You are taken by the words of your mouth. Proverbs 6:2 (NKJV)
I find it can be helpful to renounce those declarative or heart felt word commitments you made.
8. Clean your home.
Get rid of books, photos, gifts and other items that will pull you back into that tie or fantasy of that tie.
Gifts symbolize a relationship and can hold a relational tie in place. If a person has a ring, personal gifts, cards, jewelry and other ‘relationship gifts’ from a previous relationship, then it is time to get rid of them. Holding onto such gifts symbolizes that the relationship is still in good standing and can actually hold the tie in place even after it has been renounced.
9. Verbally renounce and break the tie in Jesus’ name.
Verbally renouncing something carries a lot of weight in the spiritual realm. Just as vows can bind us, renouncing can release us from bonds. Jesus said that whatsoever you shall loose will be loosed in heaven (the heavenly realm, or spiritual realm). You can renounce and loose yourself from an ungodly tie by simply speaking something like this from your heart:
In Jesus’ name, I now renounce any ungodly relational ties formed between myself and ____________ as a result of _______________ . I now break and sever any ungodly ties formed between myself and _________ as a result of ______________ in Jesus’ name.
10. Give yourself time to let the tie break away.
The more intense the relationship tie, the more time it may take to heal.
Remember, you have to actually move into a new direction.
Give yourself time to ACTUALLY LET GO!
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