The Fear that Keeps Us Lying in Relationships

We all want to be loved and experience the depth of connection, but everyone at some point in time finds themselves lying in relationships. It holds us back from the quality of relationships that is available, but we fall into it anyway. Why does this happen?

Patterns of Lying

If we break down our conversations and interactions with a honest lens, there is lot of lying going on. Don’t condemn yourself or beat yourself up about it, but it is fascinating how much we lie to each other in relationships.

We don’t call it lying. We exaggerate, promote a false front or just withhold information. In many relationship circles, it can be called “living shady.” We fluff the stats or hide certain levels of honesty. It’s like there is a veil that keeps us from expressing ourselves in a more honest and authentic manner.

Shady Living

Many relationships can only go so far, because there is a constant sense of hiding. It’s hard to have a great relationship with someone who always seems like they are hiding something. There is a sense of “shadiness” about them that makes it hard to trust and have real relationship with.

Furthermore, this lack of honesty keeps us in lying patterns that hinder the fullness of relationship potential. We “pose” instead of living out of true selves.

  • We present a relationship with God that is always amazing and never frustrating.
  • The stats of the testimony get exaggerated.
  • We lie about how we are processing pain.
  • We dance around issues in relationships.
  • When conflict arises, we lie to protect ourselves.

The Fear that Keeps Us Lying

Why do we do this? It’s all because of fear. We lie because we are afraid.

  • We are afraid of rejection.
  • We fear being exposed and humiliated.
  • We fear we won’t be accepted.
  • We fear a loss of safety.
  • We are afraid of being seen as unsuccessful or not good enough.

In the pursuit of trying to be accepted in relationships, we can lie all day long.

We long so much to feel safe and connected, we will lie in the oddest ways. This is not a new pattern, as people have been practicing this since the beginning of time.

The Fear that Keeps Us Lying

Every time we lie, we are listening to fear.

In Genesis 20, Abraham lied to King Abimelech, saying Sarah his wife was actually his sister. What would drive a husband to say his beloved wife was his sister? Fear.

Every liar is driven by fear; fear of being caught, fear of being vulnerable, fear of punishment, fear of embarrassment and the list goes on. Whenever you see lying behavior going on, there is a fear component, usually coming out of rejection mindset, which keeps the person bound to this pattern. This keeps them from walking in the freedom of the light. They become trained to stay in darkness.

The Fear of Intimacy

A fear of intimacy tags along, that keeps people from getting close to us. We don’t know how to get comfortable with vulnerability, authenticity and true relational intimacy.

Abraham struggled with fear when he lied twice, both in Egypt and in Gerar. His deception came out when he said his wife was his sister. When push came to shove, his thoughts were not to protect his own wife; his concerns were focused on the fear of losing his own life.

We can see clearly that even though Abraham was a man of great faith, he still had major struggles with fear. This should bring great encouragement for you to know that failure is not the end. You can still stand up today and plow through the fear and walk into your land of promise. His grace is still sufficient to lead you to victory.

Lying that Runs in the Family

It is interesting how the lying runs in the family. The fears, shame and hidden lifestyle goes from generation to generation.

The lying problem that Abraham had did not end with him. His son Isaac ended up doing the same thing in the same situation, in the same manner. Another generation later, Isaac’s son Jacob also delivered a bold-faced lie to his aging father, by deceiving him into thinking Jacob was actually his brother Esau. This was all done to steal his brother’s blessing.

Did Abraham take his sons and grandsons to lying seminars? Did he have them read “How to Lie About Your Wife and Lie to Your Family?”

The truth is, lying was ingrained in their spiritual DNA. Fear drove them, generation after generation to fall into lying patterns that kept them in survival, apart from trust in God’s ability to work.

Doing Business with Fear that Drives Us to Lie

Living a life that is free from lying is like having a weight lifted off your shoulders. But you will have to face fear to walk in that victory.

Facing the fear will shake off the layers of shame and low self worth that hide below the surface. But when you allow yourself to come into the truth, it will truly set you free.

The good news is that when we come into the light of God, that light is a light of love. There is no need to fear in the care and protection of His love.

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. 1 John 4:18 (NKJV)

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